What This Psychologist Wants You To Consider Before Jumping In A New Relationship

After you’ve done some self-work, think about what you want in a relationship. You should do this before you’ve even met someone in order to prevent your memory from becoming fuzzy when you meet someone who’s really “fine” but isn’t looking for the same things in a relationship that you are. Whether you want just sex, casual dating, an exclusive or open companionship, or marriage, identify it. Then list the characteristics that are most important to you in a person. Be specific. Some common things that people name are spiritual, attractive, and no baby momma drama. Or intelligent, comes from a good family, is successful and ambitious, has a sense of humor, and likes to travel.

Don’t forget the red flags, or deal breakers, which might be things like a substance use, doesn’t take care of his kids, or is in another relationship. When considering partners, always ask yourself what, if any, of your red flags are present. Engage in this process early, before becoming attached to someone, which makes it more difficult to walk away.

Adapted excerpt from Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen: The Emotional Lives of Black Women by Inger Burnett-Zeigler. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Amistad, an imprint of HarperCollins. Copyright © 2021 by Inger Burnett-Zeigler.