So You Know Your Own Attachment Style — But Which Ones Should You Date?

A person’s attachment style forms early in life based on the degree of attunement (feeling seen, safe, understood, and loved) experienced as a small child. There are four attachment styles, which include one secure attachment style and three insecure types commonly known as anxious attachment (aka anxious-preoccupied), avoidant attachment (aka dismissive-avoidant), and fearful-avoidant attachment (aka disorganized).

Unless resolved through self-work, attachment issues persist through adulthood, and the three insecure attachment types can lead to dysfunction and chaos in intimate, family, and social relationships. We can develop a secure attachment style by engaging in solid self-work whether we are in or out of a romantic partnership. That said, some attachment styles are not a good fit and tend to make self-evolution and relationship-evolution difficult—if not impossible.

So, when you’re looking for a partner, you’ll want to know your personal attachment style and have enough information to spot a potential partner’s attachment style. By slowing down to detect a new partner’s attachment style early on, you can stop an unhealthy partnership before it really gets going. And if the mix is a good one, you might find yourself in the most connected relationship of your life.