Here’s Exactly How To Make A Threesome Happen, From People Who’ve Had Them

So you’ve woken up from a few nights in a row of hot, sweaty, threesome sex dreams, and now you can’t wait to try it out in reality. But you’re in a monogamous relationship currently, and you need your partner to also be on board. How do you bring up the idea of a threesome? What’s the best approach to this?

You could try using a light approach. “Sometimes jokes are a good way to break the ice and start talking about adding a third person for a sexy encounter,” Lawrenz says. A highlight of this approach is that it gives you room to easily and quickly understand if your partner seems strongly against the idea.

“Another way to start a conversation is to watch a sexy movie that has a threesome in it, which can be the jumping-off point for a conversation,” Lawrenz recommends. “One can say they are curious about spicing up their sex life and wonder what their partner thinks about bringing in a third person to expand their connection…”

No matter which approach you use, once you actually get into the conversation, Howard says you should focus on discussing why you want a threesome and how you think it will benefit the relationship. “Partners often internalize the desire for a threesome as a statement on their ability to satisfy their partner,” Howard notes. If you’re clear about what you’re looking for from the threesome, then you can spare your partner from spiraling about “not being enough” or “not being good enough.”

Some people may surprise you and be more open than you expect, says Lawrenz. Others will be totally uncomfortable with the idea, and there may be a boundary there you’ll need to respect. “If your partner is offended or dislikes the idea, be proud of yourself for boldly being sex-positive and experimental,” Lawrenz says. “Remember, threesomes are not fun if there is not mutual shared consent by all parties.”