Are You Nice To Yourself? A Quick Test To Help You Find Out

Allow Neff to explain: “A very simple way is just to ask yourself the question, ‘How do I treat my good friends?’”

Let’s say a friend confides in you about how they’re struggling or feeling badly about themselves. How do you respond? Do you brush off their concerns or treat them with compassion? For the sake of this self-compassion test, let’s imagine you talk to them how you talk to yourself whenever you’re personally struggling: Would that person still be your friend after hearing what you have to say? 

It may sound obvious, but if that person would feel hurt by your words (or decides to abandon your friendship altogether), chances are you aren’t too kind to yourself. It’s a common scenario: According to Neff, most of us are way more compassionate to others than we are to ourselves. That’s why you may easily give a loved one grace when they make a mistake or fail—and you may be hard on yourself for following a similar pattern. 

“For some people, it’s really eye-opening to see, ‘Wow, [if] I say to my friend what I say to myself, I don’t think they would be my friend anymore,’” she says. For some, that quick test can help them take a step back and realize that words do matter—even the ones in your head, directed towards yourself.