Having strong support during pregnancy and beyond is important for many reasons but especially to help normalize some of these emotions and experiences. A dear friend, family member, trusted physician, or other support person can share their own maternal ambivalence and help normalize yours.

For many, support comes by way of a mental health practitioner, especially one that is well versed in the unique stressors of pregnancy and motherhood. It is important to know that emotional ambivalence around many things, but especially around motherhood, is a normal and healthy experience. It does not detract from how much you love your pregnancy and baby. The data shows when professional supports help new moms recognize how common these mixed emotions are, they can experience a sense of ownership and agency during motherhood.

Working toward a healthy and stable bond with your pregnancy and baby is important for a number of reasons. One being the positive bond between mom and baby can support the healthy development of your child. Mothers who feel emotionally unwell or feel a sense of rejection toward their babies would likely benefit from a professional evaluation to ensure that there are no other factors, like postpartum depression, that may be contributing to these emotions. And any thoughts to harm your baby or yourself warrant an emergency hospital visit.

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed with the realities of motherhood. No matter how picture-perfect your fantasy parenthood experience was supposed to be, just know that there are going to be hiccups. Every baby is different, and even though you just spent nine months carrying them, you’re both getting used to each other. 

As alluring as the notion of an innate maternal instinct might be, it’s also a double-edged sword that can prevent you from getting help when you need it. By trying to adhere to the ideal that you should naturally know how to do everything—even if you’ve never cared for small children before—you’re setting yourself up for failure. 

When you struggle with a specific task like breastfeeding, transitioning to solids, or even potty training (which are perfectly common struggles), you’ll measure your actions against a mythical concept that’s impossible to uphold. Likewise, relying on “maternal instinct” as a hardwired force in those who give birth ignores the reality that fathers and foster parents are just as capable of performing child care tasks and experiencing increased oxytocin when engaging in bonding activities with their children.

Rather than subscribing to the notion of maternal instinct, embrace the idea that it takes a village to raise a child—lean on your friends and family for help when you need it. If you’re struggling with breastfeeding, ask your mom, friends, other relatives who have experience, or seek out a lactation consultant who can provide personalized attention and help. Can’t get a swaddle just right? Try again, or skip it and get a wearable baby blanket instead. There are plenty of options, and you shouldn’t have to go it alone.