The technical definition of conflict resolution is a process you use to find a peaceful solution to a dispute, according to Loren Margolis, MSW, CPC, founder of Training & Leadership Success. The human definition, however, is “the most effective and appropriate approach to resolve conflict that works well for you, the other person, your relationship, and the situation.”

Learning conflict resolution skills is important to success at work and in life, says Margolis—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for everyone.

“People even feel conflicted about the word ‘conflict’! It evokes anxiety and fear, so they shy away from learning how to approach resolution,” she notes.

Conflict resolution is also the glue that keeps relationships together successfully, says Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT, a licensed relationship therapist and co-founder of The Modern Love Box.

No matter how much love two people have for each other, if they don’t know how to effectively resolve conflicts, “they can easily deteriorate their relationship,” Jeney tells mbg. “Conflict resolution serves as a place to build on trust, vulnerability, and clear up any misunderstandings, which all contribute to building more security within the relationship.” 

According to Pierre, people may stonewall during conflicts as a defense mechanism for self-preservation. When that occurs, here’s what she says is happening inside your body. 

After a conflict thrusts us into fight, flight, fawn, or freeze mode, our ability to reason goes out the window. That’s because the prefrontal cortex (the region at the front of your brain) checks out, and the amygdala—your brain’s fear center or “alarm system”—takes over, signaling your body to escape the triggering situation. 

You’re likely feeling quite stressed, so your body is activated, your blood is pumping, and your heart rate is increasing. “Not engaging with or ignoring the other person can make us feel like we’re in control again,” says Pierre, “so stonewalling is often used to regain some semblance of vindication, maybe even power.” 

But that’s not the only reason people resort to this behavior. Sometimes, she says, people stonewall to seek relief because they truly “feel stuck and are unable to engage with the other person in a meaningful and rational way.” 

Herzog points out that stonewalling “directly stops whatever confrontation is happening,” so it really can provide a sense of relief to the disgruntled person, even if it’s to their partner’s detriment. 

“[Stonewalling] is not effective or sustainable, and over time will erode any relationship,” Pierre asserts. 

However, complicated life experiences often make defensive behaviors hard to avoid. “It’s important to remember that when we don’t learn how to communicate properly within our relationships, we turn to the ‘skill’ we may have learned in order to survive in the past,” Herzog explains. 

That’s why she thinks stonewalling typically shows up later in relationships: If a couple has worked on communication long term with little to no improvement, “stonewalling becomes the mechanism one or both partners turn to during an argument to get away from the pain and stress of what they’re feeling.”

This study was conducted during lockdown, where couples were in closer quarters and potentially experiencing higher-than-normal stress levels. However, the researchers say this introspective strategy of writing from an objective, third-party standpoint can be helpful in mitigating most romantic conflicts, regardless of context.

“When people are asked to discuss relationship problems with their partner, there are elements of pride and ego that can get in the way of being objective,” Rodriguez explained. “While talking to a partner about why you might be wrong is really hard to do for many people, especially if it is a charged topic…the practice of doing it within yourself allows for the space to process in ways that might lead to more empathy, understanding and compromise.”

Looking for more ways to keep the arguments at bay? Take this note, shared on the mbg podcast, by psychologists and relationship experts John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D..

When the conflict starts to get heated, the Gottmans say you should simply take a break: “Stop on a dime at that point,” says Julie. “Don’t try to get in the last word, if your partner’s [the one] asking for the break.” 

However, you don’t want to leave the conversation with no plan of action. Make sure to say when you’ll come back to continue the conversation. “That’s crucial, because if you don’t and you’re the one asking for the break, your partner may feel abandoned or rejected,” Julie notes. In terms of timing, she says the break can last from a minimum of 20 minutes up to 24 hours—don’t make it last longer than a day, or she says it can start to feel like a punishment. 

Now, here’s the challenging bit: When you’re separated during this break, participate in something self-soothing. “This is crucial,” Julie says. “A lot of people will think about the fight and what they should say when they go back: ‘What’s a perfect rebute, what’s a perfect response?’ That’s terrible to do, because it keeps you engaged internally in the fight. As long as you’re thinking about it, your body can’t calm down.” 

In other words: On your break, do something to get your mind off the conflict. Take a walk, watch TV, listen to music, practice yoga or meditation—anything that brings your mind to a calmer state. That way, “when you go back at the designated time you agreed to, you’re calm, and the conversation is entirely changed.” 

1. Make peace with conflict.

A lot of us hear the word “conflict” and immediately think and feel negative connotations. Conflict suggests a difference in experience, which at its core is not an inherently bad thing. It is a natural part of human interaction, and the sooner we make peace with it rather than fearing it, the better we can navigate it when it does arise. Ask yourself whether you are afraid of conflict. Do you tend to avoid it? If you fear conflict, where did you first learn that conflict was something negative? How can you reframe conflict now?

2. Seek to understand, not to be right.

When we come together with someone in conflict, we often feel wronged, and our first instinct can be to prove ourselves right. That is where conflict can spiral. We want to set the intention to understand rather than to be right. When I’m working with clients who are navigating conflict at work, I ask: What are the facts and where might we be in a story? We all have stories that we tell ourselves. Before you head into a feedback conversation, ask yourself: What is the story I might be telling myself? I also invite clients to step into the other person’s shoes. If you were to see this from the other person’s perspective, what might a more generous story look like? When we start to take ourselves out of the stories and anchor in the facts, we’ll often see that we share the same goals and intentions as the person we are in conflict with.

3. Understand your role.

Conflict is like a dance we do with a partner—as we move and act, so do they. While we explore conflict, it’s important to understand our own role and style. As someone who is a more direct communicator, I know that when I’m in a stress response, I can move from direct to aggressive, which can be triggering for someone with a different style. So I check myself before heading into a feedback conversation and ensure I’m dialing up empathy and deep listening to support a more powerful outcome for all. When you are stressed and under pressure, how do you handle challenging situations? What behaviors do you tend to overuse when you’re highly stressed? How might that undermine psychological safety for those around you? What behaviors can you dial up to support a stronger outcome for all involved? Similarly, what behaviors can you dial down?

4. Know thy shadow.

Shadow work in the context of our careers is vital and foundational. The concept of the shadow was first introduced by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. He refers to it as the “unknown dark side of the personality.” I believe we meet people’s shadows at work more than we do in most other places. We all have some form of shadow unless we’ve done the work (and keep doing the work) to integrate those denied aspects. It can manifest as harsh judgment of others (usually what we’re judging in others is what we’ve deemed unlovable in ourselves), bias, emotional volatility, perfectionism, and lashing out. It can have a huge impact on our work, our relationships, our sense of self, and our lives. As we navigate workplace conflict, where might our shadow parts be getting triggered? What is it about the person you are in conflict with that might be a disowned piece of yourself? Chances are it has to do with the traits we don’t want to look at and have relegated to the shadow.

5. Learn how to give and receive feedback.

In my practice, I see that a lot of workplace conflict arises because leaders aren’t always taught how to lead. Managers and team members may not be trained in how to have difficult conversations or give actionable feedback. Feedback, in actuality, is a generous gift if we are willing to see it that way. It allows us to grow, to hone our craft, and to be better than we were yesterday—when delivered in a supportive way. Feedback conversations tend to feel scary for the giver and the receiver. We want to normalize them and follow a supportive format. When it comes to giving feedback, first and foremost, check your intentions as outlined in step one. Then I like to use the Situation-Behavior-Impact framework from the Center for Creative Leadership (the SBI model). In this format, we come out of the story by highlighting the factual situations and behaviors that have occurred. We share the impact that those choices have had on us, our teams, and the organization. Because feedback without action is simply venting, I recommend always concluding this process with actionable next steps to ensure we embody these changed behaviors.

You can download my full guide to navigating conflict at work here.