Based on their analysis, it would appear that men may actually experience more emotional pain than women when their relationships get rocky—or at least, they’re more likely to talk about it online.

The findings showed men posted about heartbreak online “significantly” more than women, which goes against widely held gender stereotypes of men being less emotional. This include using language related to regret, breaking up, crying, and heartbreak.

“The fact that the heartache theme was more commonly discussed by men emphasizes how men are at least as emotionally affected by relationship problems as women,” Entwistle says.

According to lead researcher Ryan Boyd, Ph.D., the findings suggest men may not be less emotionally invested in relationships than women are after all; rather, he says it may be the case that men are simply “stigmatized out of sharing their feelings.”

“Traditionally, women are more likely to identify relationship problems, consider therapy, and seek therapy than are men,” he adds. “When you remove the traditional social stigmas against men for seeking help and sharing their emotions, however, they seem just as invested in working through rough patches in their relationships as women.”

Additionally, the analysis found that communication problems were the most frequently reported relationship issue, with almost 20% of people saying they had a hard time communicating about problems with their partner. About one in eight mentioned trust issues in their relationships. The most common theme reported across all types of problems was emotional pain or heartache they caused.

If you haven’t ended the relationship yet, that’s the first place to start. Here’s mbg’s full guide to leaving an abusive relationship. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and confidently speak with a trained advocate who can help you think through your options and make a plan.

“Healing from an abusive or traumatic relationship doesn’t happen overnight. Individuals involved in those relationships need both support and resources; working with a trauma-informed therapist and joining a support group is a great place to start,” Travers suggests. 

Go no-contact with your ex so you can focus on yourself completely. Since trauma bonding works within isolation, move to the other side of the spectrum by intentionally connecting with others. Repressing your emotions and pushing away what happened will keep you from processing the relationship, which will keep you spiritually frozen. By sharing openly, it decreases feelings of loneliness as you cultivate restorative relationship practices. 

During your recovery from a trauma bond, developing your relationship with yourself will be essential as you find safety again. “My advice to any and every person: Find out your attachment pattern, understand the basics of your early life relational trauma, and find out what your Big Five personality traits are,” Macaluso says. “The more you know, the more power you have. And the more power you have, the less likely you are to choose someone who will take it away from you.”

Keeping a journal to privately record your thoughts and figure out patterns may be eye-opening as you return to yourself. Working on your self-worth will help you recognize the difference between unhealthy and healthy attachments down the line. It also works hand in hand with boundary development and higher self-esteem. 

Not only are you emotionally attending to yourself, but you’re also processing it somatically, which can be heavy. Toxic relationships are emotionally arresting, and unprocessed trauma can convert into stuck energy, which can overwhelm the systems in your body and overall cognition. It can also lead to increased blood pressure, tense muscles, sending your sympathetic nervous system into overdrive. Leaning on movement, mindfulness, and self-care will be vital. 

And last but certainly not least, having a controlling person in your life requires knowing and acknowledging when it’s time to walk away. As Tsabary notes, when setting boundaries doesn’t work, “then it is important to create emotional space and distance in another way.”

It’s really important to look at how this person responds when you bring up what’s bothering you, when you set boundaries, and when you talk about how their behavior is affecting you. If they continually get defensive, violate your boundaries, and/or continue exhibiting controlling behavior, that’s simply an unhealthy relationship dynamic to be in.

If you’re dating this person, that may mean it’s time for the relationship to end. If it’s someone like a friend or family member who you don’t want to cut off completely, you can create some space within the relationship. For example, therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, previously told mbg that ending a controlling friendship can be as simple as “no longer initiating contact or plans as frequently and allowing the connection to naturally fade.”

Whatever you decide the best course of action is, don’t lose sight of your own needs, how this controlling person really makes you feel, and what you require from your relationships going forward. Anything less is less than you deserve.

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.

The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.  

Gottman named these four communication habits as a play on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Christian Bible’s New Testament. Those four horsemen—conquest, war, hunger, and death—signaled the end of times. Similarly, when there is a chronic use of Gottman’s Four Horsemen, research has shown the relationship is likely to become unstable and unhappy and, in likelihood, will end.

Since the 1970s, Gottman has studied thousands of couples in what is called the Love Lab, where he and his team watched couples interact and tracked their relational satisfaction. Through this research, they were able to distill the relational habits that make some couples “masters” and other couples “disasters” in relationships. Gottman found that when couples utilize criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and/or contempt during their difficult moments, they trigger what’s known as the “distance and isolation cascade.” This means that as a couple utilizes any of these four habits without successful “repair” over time, they will turn toward each other less and less to meet their connection needs.

Of course, most people will use these habits from time to time in their relationships. None of us are immune. The key is that we recognize their use, quickly make repairs, and work toward utilizing them less and less.

According to the AstroTwins, Mercury rules our thoughts and is deeply tied to our social connections. So when it’s in retrograde, our minds tend to drift to the past and especially past relationships. From there, they say, you just might start giving off some ex-attracting energy.

When we continuously come back to thoughts about the one that got away, or even the one we got rid of, the twins note, “[that person] may pick up on that ‘signal’ and start thinking of us in return.” And this can happen even if we’re not consciously or intentionally thinking about someone, they add.

Interestingly enough, this phenomenon of past lovers coming back around may be particularly potent during this retrograde cycle. That’s because this Mercury retrograde is taking place amid a flurry of other retrogrades with heavy air sign energy. (When this Mercury retrograde began, Jupiter and Saturn were both retrograde in Aquarius—an air sign). And as the twins explain, air signs are naturally relationship- and community-focused.

A toxic relationship is a relationship that’s harmful, draining, or in some way negatively impacting the well-being of one or both partners. There are many different kinds of behaviors that are unhealthy—aka toxic—in romantic partnerships, ranging from one-sidedness or codependency to manipulation and full-on abuse. (Here’s our full guide to toxic relationships.)

A relationship doesn’t necessarily need to involve “bad” people for it to become toxic. It’s more about whether the dynamic between the two partners allows both individuals to feel individually happy, nourished, empowered, and whole—consistently, in both the good times and the bad times.

Generally speaking, a relationship that involves constant fighting, power imbalance, fear, or mistrust is likely toxic because of the way these dynamics can harm one or both people’s well-being and create instability in the relationship that isn’t sustainable long-term.

Additionally, there is no room for aggression, threats, attacks, or controlling behavior in a healthy relationship—and if these dynamics are at play in a relationship, it may no longer be safe to stay in at all.

In a controlling relationship, the big question is whether to stay or leave. If you’ve realized you’re in a controlling relationship that’s abusive, reach out for help immediately. You can call, chat, or text this hotline for support.

If there isn’t abuse and you believe your partner is open to adjusting their behavior, Richmond says the first step is to open up a conversation about what’s going on. First, you’ll want to establish a time you can both sit down and talk about what’s been bothering you.

For example, she says, you could say something along the lines of When you text me constantly while I’m out with my friends, I feel like you don’t trust me. When I don’t feel trusted, I feel diminished and like you don’t think I can take care of myself. That really makes me feel like the underdog in this relationship, and like you have more power—and I don’t like feeling powerless.

Licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, adds that you can also use her AEO framework for structuring the conversation: Acknowledge the issue, explain the emotions, and then offer a solution or request, such as, What I’d really like is that when we’re out with our friends, there isn’t an expectation that we respond to each other super quickly. What do you think?

From there, how they respond will be telling. Do they take accountability and change their behavior? If not, and they continue to disrespect your boundaries, it’s probably best to walk away.