I’m A Sex Therapist & This Is What Couples Get Wrong About Mismatched Libidos

People often misuse the word libido a lot when they are actually referring to desire. Desire is what spikes our libido, and it can come from a combination of, well, everything.

Let me frame it like this: Yes, we allosexual humans are inherently sexual beings— that’s true. But it’s highly uncommon that daily stressors won’t affect our desire. No matter how much we love our partners and may want to have sex with them, our desire can be easily affected by our kids, family, jobs, needs not being met (and not knowing how to ask for them to be met), not getting enough exercise or movement, not having enough quiet time—you get where I’m going with this?

It may seem like when someone “isn’t in the mood for sex” with us, that it has to be because of us—but I can assure you that is rarely the case. Think back to the times when you haven’t wanted to have sex. Did you have a rough day? Were you feeling sad or stressed or overwhelmed? Or possibly even just tired and disconnected from your body? 

We all have other needs that often need to be met or understood for sex to feel inviting and freeing.

Desire also works differently for different people: 35% of cisgender women experience responsive desire, which is when desire shows up in response to a stimulus—something sexy happens, and the body responds. On the contrary, 75% of cisgender men experience spontaneous desire, which is precisely what it sounds like—it shows up instantly, with or without stimulation. 

If this difference isn’t acknowledged between two people, it could seem that they have different sex drives, aka libidos, rather than having different types of desire.

This ever-shifting desire is just one part of the libido equation, which actually looks more like a combo of your brain and body’s instincts: what set of circumstances might turn you on, what set of circumstances turns you off, and most importantly, how sensitive those “let’s go” or “let’s not” instincts are to the circumstances happening in and around you. These instincts were dubbed by sex educator Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., as your sexual accelerator and sexual brakes.

The results from this combo are endless. Some people may have really sensitive brakes and lose that “in the mood” feeling easier than others. Some may have less sensitive accelerators but also not super sensitive brakes and just need some buildup time. Some have super-sensitive accelerators. It’s all unique to each individual.