Apologies: What It Takes to Give (and Receive) a Good Apology

One or two apology languages will be required in what any individual considers to be a genuine apology. If you don’t speak that one or those two, then in the recipient’s mind, the apology is incomplete, and your sincerity is questionable. If you miss the types of apology language they respond to, they probably won’t accept your apology.

The five apology languages are:

1. Expressing regret. What you’re trying to say with this apology language is: “I feel bad that my behavior has hurt you, or that my behavior has hurt our relationship”—often using the words “I’m sorry.” But those words should never be spoken alone. If you simply say the word “sorry,” you’re not actually acknowledging that you know what you did wrong. Tell them what you’re sorry for:

And don’t ever end with the word “but.” If you say, “I’m sorry that I lost my temper and yelled at you, but if you had not done ___, then I would not have yelled,” now you’re no longer apologizing. Instead, you’re blaming the other person for your behavior.

2. Accepting responsibility. A second apology language is actually accepting responsibility for our behavior, often with the words:

And again, for some people, this is what they consider to be a sincere apology, and if you don’t acknowledge that what you did was wrong, then in their mind, you’re not sincere. You can say, “I’m sorry,” but they’re struggling with what you’re saying because they don’t sense that you’re really sincere.

3. Making restitution. A third apology language is offering to make restitution, perhaps by saying things like:

And for some people, again this is what they’re waiting for. If you don’t ever offer to make things right, then in their mind, the apology is lame, and they have a hard time forgiving you. But if they see that you are sincere enough to ask, “How can I make this right?” and you’re willing to do something, then they really sense your sincerity.

4. Genuinely repenting. Number four is expressing the desire to change. It’s saying to the other person:

This is communicating to the person not only that you feel badly about what you did but also that your desire is not to do it again. For some people, if you don’t express the desire to change your behavior, they find it difficult to forgive you, especially if you did the same thing last month, and the month before that, and now here you’re doing it again. And every time, you said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” They’re thinking okay, so you’re sorry. What are you going to do about it? What they want is for you express some desire to change the behavior, and many times, if you do that, the two of you can talk and find a way so that you can break that habit.

5. Requesting forgiveness. Number five is actually requesting forgiveness:

I have to be honest, this one was not on my radar personally. I thought if I’m apologizing in any way, wouldn’t you know that I want to be forgiven? But we found for some people, this again is what they consider to be a sincere apology, and if you don’t actually request forgiveness or ask for forgiveness, in their mind, you haven’t apologized.

You can usually tell what types of apology people accept by paying attention to the ones they give.